Advice for family, friends and colleagues

Don’t cover up

Family and friends, colleagues and supervisors typically try to shield someone with a drink problem, at least initially. They make excuses and cover up, believing that the drinker will soon realise what is happening and do something to put it right. The drinking may, however, become more fixed as dependence intensifies. Praying for a miracle to happen is not usually the answer. Sympathy on its own may achieve nothing – or even enable more drinking. Unless drinkers face the consequences of how alcohol affects them, they just go on repeating the same mistakes. It can be helpful and constructive to say something to get the drinker to take stock, but sensitivity is necessary. Remember that the drinker has many positive qualities and that the subject of complaint is only the drinking and the behaviour it brings. There is no need to write off the whole person. Family and friends, colleagues and supervisors typically try to shield someone with a drink problem, at least initially.

Control may be counterproductive

If someone is determined to drink, there is little anyone can do until there is a change of mind. To try to control the situation can be exhausting and frustrating – although you should intervene if there is danger of harm to others – for example, drinking and driving. However, when you let go of your efforts to control, you not only save your energy, you also remove one of the drinker’s excuses for drinking. He or she cannot blame you for the drinking because you are nagging or bossy. But don’t stop giving a firm message that you insist on some change.

Getting things out in the open

Drinkers may fool themselves about the quantity that they drink and its harmful consequences. This is partly because they cannot always remember what they did when they drank a lot. It is also because if they admit there is a problem then it would be logical to give up some drinking.

If they still enjoy it or feel they need it, then that would be a painful conclusion to reach. This is what is meant by denial.

Dealing with denial

The more head-on the confrontation, the more denial there can be. It is better to start a discussion with open-ended questions such as ‘How are you feeling these days?’ or ‘What are your concerns at present?’ leading to ‘How do you think your drinking might fit into the picture?’. Choose your timing. Do not expect to be able to talk usefully if tempers are raised or the brain is clouded by drink. The ‘morning after’ may be a good time – or when there has been a crisis.

Set clear limits

Let the drinker know what you can and cannot tolerate. Be ready to admit where you have gone wrong and accept criticism if it is justified, but do not take any blame for the drinking. That is entirely the responsibility of the drinker.

Idle threats, or threats that you cannot follow through, are pointless. At work, sanctions should be put in writing. At home, make it clear what your needs are and be prepared to negotiate – not about the drinking, but about other ways in which life could be improved by changes on both sides.

If there’s no change

In a family, life has to go on and you and your children have to survive. There are different ways in which you can get outside help (see pages 75–87). Keeping the emotional temperature down may help prevent the family from doing things that they would later regret. Sometimes couples separate if a drinker cannot or will not take steps to cut back.

Help for the family

Counselling agencies often provide support and advice for partners as well as the drinker and there are self-help groups. Al-Anon is a wonderful self-help fellowship for families and friends of those with drinking problems and Alateen is for teenage sons and daughters. The contacts of local groups can be found in your local telephone directory (see pages 106–7). Living with someone with a drink problem can be taxing and depressing. There is a limit to what we can do if our partner, friend or relative wants to drink and is dependent on alcohol.

Al-Anon helps you keep yourself strong and well, and stops you getting eaten up with guilt, anger or frustration. The message is ‘detach with love’ rather than exhaust yourself struggling with someone else’s addiction. You will get no advice on how to track down the hidden alcohol supplies or catch out the secret drinker in his or her lair – but you may find yourself feeling calmer and less consumed with tension and resentments!

KEY POINTS

• A drink problem doesn’t mean writing off the whole person

• The family should give a clear message

• The drinker is the only one responsible for the drinking, but others should accept criticism if it is justified