Effects of drinking on daily life

Drinking in the family

Having a drink on a special occasion is part of our culture. If families do this together and include teenagers, without people getting drunk, it helps the younger members learn to handle alcohol safely. A complete ban on alcohol can lead a teenager to rebel by drinking, to be different from the family – with all the risks that such behaviour involves. When someone in the family drinks too much Drinking can lead to changes in the way we react to people, which can damage relationships very badly. A father becomes inconsistent with his children – and loses patience with them. He may lose their respect. They may respond by rebelling or retreating into their shells. He is less sensitive to his wife’s needs and wishes. He is not much company in the evenings if he has been drinking and is now often asleep in a chair. If she complains, he becomes defensive. Temper is less controlled and angry outbursts may become common.

Case history: Simon

Simon had worked hard, step by step, up the Civil Service ladder. As new work practices were introduced, he found himself more and more often drinking after work and collapsing as soon as he arrived home. His wife resented making a meal that he sometimes never touched. When he stirred himself in time for the BBC news, he barked at the children. They had been used to a father who was always ready to help with homework or fit for a game of football before supper. His wife told him what was happening, but he seemed to ignore it. She begged him to get some help but he said that she was exaggerating and blamed his bosses. He was stunned and very distressed, when he returned from a two-day meeting in London, to find that she had left with the two children. She had gone to live in a flat that she had rented, leaving only her sister’s address through which all messages would henceforth be communicated. If a mother is drinking too much, the same can happen. She does not cope so well with family responsibilities and so her husband may take control. That may make her angry. The children get used to not taking notice of what she says because when she has been drinking she exaggerates or does not make much sense.

Case history: Mary

‘Get out of here and find yourself somewhere to live – somewhere selfish people like you can learn the hard way,’ Mary screamed. Tina slammed the door, a bit harder than the last time they argued. Her sports bag was already packed together with her railcard and the phone number of her friend from year 11 at school. She knew that her mother could be like this if she’d been drinking all evening, but nowadays it was happening most days. Next morning, Mary would wake in a panic, remembering in a haze her row with her daughter, feeling sick with guilt. Why could she not talk to her any longer, why was it rows always, why was a responsible mother losing hold of her life?  It took Mary another two years to win back Tina’s affection and respect, and in that time Mary had to face something that she had hedged around for at least two years before that – a bad-tempered, hurt and critical side of her came out whenever she drank and she seemed no longer able to control her drinking.

Alcohol can be a significant drain on family finances. Resentments will grow if what used to be spent on a family outing or holiday is now going on drink. Alcohol causes a shrunken bank account more often than it causes a shrunken brain, but both have serious results. Drinking is one cause of marriages splitting up. Some partners give ample warning of their intention to leave and the drinker may hear and take action. At other times the message is not heard or does not get through. Sometimes a spouse leaves knowing that the relationship has changed but is not clear enough about the cause to make a specific complaint. When mother or father is drinking in a way that affects the family, it may cause embarrassment. Friends are no longer invited to the house. The drinking problem is kept a secret, as if it was a slur on the family.

Alcohol problems can run in families

We explain why alcohol problems can run in families on pages 11–12. If mother, father or another close relative has a drink problem, then the next generation should be advised to take great care in using alcohol.

Drinking to cope with stress

You’ve all heard someone say, ‘Drinking helps me cope’ or ‘Alcohol is a solution to my problems, not a problem itself’ or ‘I need a drink to wind down’.

Alcohol is a sedative, and if your mind or body is tense alcohol will combat that. If the dose is big enough, alcohol induces sleep.

Research shows, however, that regular drinking to relieve tension can do the opposite. If your nervous system gets used to alcohol, it is as if your nerve cells call out for the next dose. For example, if we regularly take a nightcap to get to sleep, we may find we have difficulty getting off to sleep without one.

Case history: Andrew

Andrew is a salesman who gets tense at work, because of difficult customers and the targets his boss sets him. If he takes a drink at lunch time to relax, he may feel like another on the way home after work. If he next takes a drink in the evening at home, there is some alcohol in the body almost round the clock.

Then he will begin to feel more tense and anxious than usual first thing in the morning. He may believe this is due to the worrying thoughts he has about how to face the day, but it may actually be a result of his body chemistry ‘wanting’ the next drink.

Case history: John

John was a perfectionist and proud. He gave himself and his family hell whenever there was some DIY repair job in the house and he failed to get a screw to fit to the last millimetre. He’d storm out of the house to get a drink and come back drunk and even more grumpy. When his family at last got across to him how pointless his anger was, he began to take a new attitude. He actually started to enjoy taking time to do things, instead of rushing and drinking too much alcohol. His catch phrase became ‘I’m keeping things in perspective’. He learned to live in the present moment, and to take pleasure in that, without continually letting himself feel under pressure. Living with John became much easier!

Drinking to cope with stress can be counterproductive in another way – it can be tricky to get the amount just right so that anxiety is relieved but performance is still OK. The bride’s father who dreads having to make a speech at the reception is occasionally over the top! There are other ways to deal with tension. Here are some tips that have helped many busy people.

Managing tension

Set limits on what people demand of you

We all have a right to say ‘No’. It is perfectly reasonable to tell people that you have to put a stop on what, and how much, you take on.

Be easier on yourself – and others

Don’t aim for perfection. You can do your best, given the circumstances. It is OK to be ‘good enough’.

Accept what cannot be changed

Fight the battles that you can win, not those you cannot win. What is the point of burning up with anger about things that won’t change?

Delegate!

If you cannot face the household chores after a day at work, get the family to do more. But ask them firmly and clearly, otherwise they may not know that you mean it. And make it clear that it is to be done properly. In the workplace, people may believe that they are delegating, but check whether there is something else others could be doing to relieve you.

Check how you react to criticism

If it was correct, can you learn from it? If the criticism is not correct, remember that others have a right to their opinions. You can agree to disagree.

Too much to get done?

If you feel that you have too much to get through, and you start to think ‘I can’t handle this’, then tension builds up. Combat this by pacing yourself and taking on one job at a time.

Drinking to help you sleep

Advantage 

Alcohol is a sedative. A drink at bedtime can help people get off to sleep sooner than they might otherwise.

Disadvantages

As alcohol is burnt up by the body, its level in the blood falls – so if sleep was artificially induced by alcohol there can be a rebound effect causing unpleasant wakefulness at 2 or 3am. The other disadvantage of alcohol as a sleeping potion is that, if you use it regularly over two or three weeks, your brain’s sleep centre expects it and will not switch over into sleep easily without it.

Tips to help you sleep without using alcohol

Rather than use alcohol to help you sleep – with its many drawbacks – the techniques listed below have been proved to work, and are simple to use and have no disadvantages:

• Take more physical exercise
• Avoid tea, coffee and other caffeine-containing drinks such as Cola after 6pm
• Go to bed later, having found something interesting and enjoyable to do in the evening – such as read a book or newspaper, do a jigsaw or crossword puzzle or watch a video
• Have a bedtime snack – a small amount of carbohydrate and fat, such as toast and a hot milky drink, has been shown to help sleep
• Relax in a warm bath
• When you go to bed, lie still – you can rest your body without sleeping; a relaxation method can help, such as long slow breaths and letting your muscles flop loose
• Use a self-hypnosis relaxation tape
• If worries fill your head as soon as it touches the pillow, keep a piece of paper handy and write your worries down as they occur. You can tackle them in the morning when your mind is fresh – a tired mind can trick you into thinking that a problem is insoluble

Worrying about not sleeping

Some people worry when they feel that they are not getting enough sleep. They believe in a magic seven or eight hours. But the need for sleep varies greatly and many people need only four or five hours. If people have little to keep them occupied and interested, however, they may start to worry, go to bed earlier and try to sleep more. This can be difficult because sleep cannot be willed – the brain’s sleep centre has its own rhythm. Worrying about not getting to sleep is a sure way to stay awake. If you use sleeping tablets, take care with alcohol because it adds to their effect.

Drinking to avoid ‘the blues’

The first effect of alcohol – when the setting and atmosphere are right – is a feeling of well-being. But when the alcohol level in your blood falls back you tend to feel tired and out of sorts. This can lead some people to experience depressed, hopeless feelings and thoughts. If you associate feeling well and happy with the first drink, you may use alcohol to meet a period of depression. Some people are prone to low mood, and there is an illness in which low mood and pessimism can occur out of the blue, called depressive illness. Meeting good friends and keeping an active social life relieve depression – but taking a drink as a remedy is usually not good medicine. The way to recover is to get our thinking straight, improve our relationships with others and have a variety of interests and activities.

Case history: Granny Shaw

It was her grandchildren who first said it directly to her. ‘Nanny,’ as they then called her, ‘Why do you always drink sherry?’ The loneliness that she had elt since her husband’s long incapacity and eventual death was now worse.

During those years, she had let her own interests flag and did not keep up with friends. Yet since he died, although she was now free of the burden of his suffering, her life had got even darker. At first, sherry helped, but now it was a habit that she could not, and did not want to, break. It saddened her daughter ho had begun to look for a child-minder for after school. She was no longer confident that she could safely leave her children with her mother because she was now so erratic. However, that would remove her mother’s only contact with ther people and she could not bring herself to do so.

Coping with depression

Here are some points that people have found more helpful than drinking alcohol when they find that depression, or ‘nervous exhaustion’ as it is sometimes called, threatens to take them over.

Depression is a form of fatigue

It is as if your mental batteries are low and you need to recharge them. While the batteries are low, your brain may not be as efficient as usual, so be easy on yourself. It passes. It may lift as suddenly as it came. Or you get better in steps, with some bad days but more and more good days.

Challenge faulty thinking

For example, one person may criticise something you did, which does not that mean you are ‘totally incapable’ if the reality is that most of the time you do things correctly.

Keep your perspective

If something has gone wrong take care that you are not making a catastrophe out of it. You may have made an error, but that does not write you off totally.

You are still the person you were, with your qualities and weaker spots, your experience and your skills. It cannot logically be the end of the world.

Avoid mind-reading

Do not immediately jump to a negative conclusion. Do you sometimes think, automatically, that people are thinking the worst of you? If so, you may react defensively or even aggressively to someone before they say or do anything.

Friendships or enjoyable occasions can be spoiled this way. Don’t try to read minds. We cannot tell what others are thinking or feeling until they tell us.

It does not always matter what others are thinking – do what makes you feel better.

Avoid living by fixed rules

If you have excessively high expectations you set yourself up for feeling like a failure. Thinking ‘I must’ or ‘I should’ can lead to guilt or disappointment if you do not achieve all your targets. Be easier on yourself (and others!). Be more forgiving. Say ‘I would like to’ or ‘I prefer to’ instead of the tyrannical ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds’.

Keep an open mind

If you bring in history (‘here we go again’ or ‘it’s always like this for me’) you stop yourself having new experiences and miss out on openings and chances.

Avoid black-and-white thinking

No one, including you, is totally successful or a total loser. If you hear yourself thinking any of the ‘totallys’, take care. Do not write someone off because he or she made a mistake. That includes you.

Look out for thinking ‘poor-me’

If you find yourself thinking ‘no-one knows what I’m going through’, this could be wasting valuable emotional energy. It may frighten off those who would like to help you. Sometimes it can help to remind yourself that there are people worse off. If you really have had a bad deal, try to work out how you can stop letting it get under your skin. Why give them the satisfaction of seeing you go under?

Speak up for yourself

This helps you value yourself more – and you’ll find that others will too. Be open and direct, using ‘I would like’, ‘I feel’ or ‘No, I do not wish to’. Speak calmly and concisely, but firmly. Repeat what you have to say if necessary, to be sure that you have been heard. Don’t use alcohol for this – people may think it’s the drink talking or you may come across as aggressive. Do not insist on winning every point, just the ones that are important to you. Being aggressive may alienate others. When you feel angry about something someone has done, you can say, ‘When you do that I feel angry. This is what I would prefer you to do instead’. In this way they may see something that they did not see before.

Others will know what you want and feel only if you put it into words. Do not rely on telepathy!

Deal with loneliness

We need contact with others. The loss of a loved one or the break-up of a relationship can leave you feeling numb. But it is vital to start meeting old friends and making new ones as soon as possible. Do not be discouraged if your first attempts come to nothing. Clubs, churches, offering your services to a voluntary organisation, attending classes are all possible. Check your local newspaper or the public library notice board.

Boredom is a serious medical condition!

There must be something out there in a world of such diversity to interest you. Learn poetry, become a bonsai expert, take a car maintenance course – anything!

Finally, your doctor can prescribe medication for depressive illness that helps gradually over a period of three to six weeks. It is important to persevere through any initial side effects that you may feel.

Antidepressant medication

Alcohol may interfere with the effect of antidepressants. If you want to have a drink, and that does not go against your doctors’ instructions or any goal that you have set yourself to abstain, then take a maximum of only one drink, that is half a pint of beer or one glass of wine) if taking antidepressants, and never mix that with driving (see page 100).

KEY POINTS

• A family may try to hide the fact that someone is drinking too much

• Alcohol can disturb sleep

• Alcohol can make depression worse

• There are mental techniques for getting out of tension and depression