How to cope with an unreliable memory
Unfortunately your memory is not a system like your heart and lungs for which ‘fitness’ exercises can be prescribed. Practice at memorising information is very unlikely to improve your memory. Nor is there any evidence that a poor memory can be helped by homeopathic remedies or acupuncture. However, there are a number of things you can do to make life easier, and in this chapter we aim to offer some practical advice on how to cope.
SELF-ASSESSMENT
The first step in coping with a memory that is becoming less reliable is admitting to yourself that you have a problem. The fact that you are reading this book probably indicates that you have taken this step already. We hope that you have tried to answer the questions in the previous chapter. If you have, you should have reached an honest assessment of the state of your memory. It may not be as bad as you had feared.
The second important step is to understand what is happening. As we saw in the first chapter, everyone’s memory deteriorates as they get older, and you are not alone in experiencing this problem. Some people prefer to pretend to themselves that nothing is wrong, hoping that their memory problems will go away by themselves, but a positive attitude towards dealing with your difficulties will stand you in much better stead.
BEING HONEST
One extra problem that goes with a failing memory is the embarrassment of forgetting names and faces or letting someone down. In such circumstances, we sometimes try to disguise the fact that we have forgotten in order to save face. After all, it is quite possible to have a chat with someone without saying their name. Or we may try to avoid feelings of awkwardness by joking about our memory lapse, and a sense of humour certainly has its place in coping with the problems of a deteriorating memory.
If your forgetfulness is making life difficult for you, it is tempting to hide your anxiety underneath a joke or to deflect attention from your predicament with a humorous remark, but this tactic may be unwise if it stops you tackling the problem in a serious way. Attempts to disguise the shortcomings of your memory may, in the end, make life more difficult for you.
Why not tell your friends and relatives honestly and straightforwardly about the difficulties you are having? You will find that others will sympathise – they too will have frequently forgotten people’s names, where they put things or tasks they had to do.
FINDING THE RIGHT WORDS
Sometimes it is hard to think of the right words to explain your problems. Try working out a few sentences in advance. Suppose you are worried that you might forget an arrangement to meet a friend. You could say something like ‘My memory is becoming rather unreliable – it would help if you could remind me’.
Perhaps you are often faced with the awkward situation of being unable to remember someone’s name. Later in this chapter we discuss ways to improve your memory for people’s names, but if, despite all your efforts, your mind’s still a blank, don’t be afraid to admit it. Say something like ‘I remember you very well, but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten your name!’.
PRACTICAL WAYS TO COPE
There are a number of practical strategies you can adopt which will help to make memory lapses less frequent. You probably use some memory aids already, such as keeping a diary or making a shopping list, but if you feel that your memory is getting worse, or even if you just wish it were more reliable, it would be sensible to make greater use of them. Relying on such aids reduces the pressure on you to remember and will make you less anxious about forgetting. This in itself may make you less likely to forget things. As we explain later in this chapter, there are also a number of things that you can do which may improve the way your memory stores information and make it easier to recall it later. Perhaps some of the ideas we recommend will seem too simple to be of much use, but do give them a try anyway. Lots of people whose memories have been letting them down have found them surprisingly helpful.
MEMORY PROMPT FOR TASKS
If you find that you are forgetting things you have to do, try using some of the following memory prompts.
Notes
Written notes are a simple but very effective reminder. Keep a notebook with you during the day so you can write down all your tasks, particularly those that you can’t do immediately. These are the ones that you are most likely to forget. Try to get into the habit of making a note as soon as you think of something that you’ve got to do. Look at your notebook regularly, perhaps two or three times a day – there is no point writing reminders to yourself unless you are going to see them frequently. Some people find that, when they are in bed at night, they remember things they need to do the next day. It’s a good idea to keep a paper and pen by your bed so you can jot down these ideas when they occur to you.
Another way of prompting yourself is to stick up a note in a place where you cannot fail to see it. Stationers sell brightly coloured pads of sticky paper called ‘Post-it’ notes, specially designed for leaving notes for yourself or other people. These are particularly useful if you have problems remembering to do something. For instance, if you need to take your coat to the cleaners, you could stick a note to yourself on the front door.
Diaries and wall-calendars
Diaries or wall-calendars are also useful ways of reminding yourself to do things. Get into the habit of writing down all your appointments and all the things that you need to do on a particular day. Put your diary or calendar somewhere – the hall or the kitchen – where you will see it several times a day.
Lists
Most people make shopping lists, especially when they have a lot to buy, but they can be useful at other times too. For instance, it can be helpful to make a list of things that you need to talk about before you telephone someone.
When you are planning to go away on holiday, make a list of everything that you need to pack, tick each item off as you pack it, and take a final look at the list again before you leave home.
Tablet organisers
If you need to remember to do something regularly, such as taking tablets, why not buy the type of watch that can give an alarm at set times. Alternatively, you could opt for a special pill box with an alarm, or one that’s divided into compartments for each day of the week to make it much easier to remember to take your daily dose and check that you have taken it.
Another way of remembering is to keep the tablets near to something you use at about the time you should take them. For example, you could put the bottle of tablets next to your toothbrush or the tea caddy. Having an established routine puts less stress on your memory, and you may find that, if you regularly do things in a set order, you will do them almost automatically.
IMPROVING YOUR MEMORY FOR TASKS
Earlier we explained how items of information are properly stored in your memory if you pay attention to them. If you get into the habit of regularly thinking about the things that you have to do, you are more likely to remember them. You may find it helpful to think about what you have to do at set times of the day, such as when you start work or after lunch. This rehearsal of tasks helps to keep them in your mind.
Sometimes you may find that you know there is something that you need to do but you cannot remember exactly what it was. In this situation, it can often help to go over other things that you had to do to try to prompt your memory. For example, if you are out shopping, you could think about all the other things that you meant to buy. Or suppose there is some job in the garden you planned to do, but you have forgotten what it was – try casting your mind back to when you first thought about this particular task, or go out to the garden. Either of these actions will help to stimulate your memory.
People often forget whether or not they have done a particular thing, such as shutting a window or turning off the oven. One way to help yourself remember is to talk out loud about what you are doing as you do it. So, when you turn the oven off say ‘I’m turning the oven off now’. This concentrates your mind on what you are doing and helps to fix it in your memory.
TIPS FOR FINDING THINGS
It is all too easy to put our glasses or keys down somewhere and then be unable to find them later. Or perhaps we buy something, put it away and forget where it is.
Organisation
Being well organised and keeping things in set places can help. Try to put things away in their proper place after you’ve used them. If you tend to mislay your keys around the house, you could put up a special hook for them and get into the habit of hanging them there as soon as you come into the house.
Lists and labels
It may also help to write down a list of where you usually keep things, and use it to ensure that you put things away in the right place. Labelling cupboards with a list of the contents is a good idea too.
Self-adhesive labels with your name, address and telephone number are also useful if you have a tendency to leave things behind when you are out. Stick them on possessions like your umbrella or bag, then, if you do forget them, at least someone can return them to you.
Remembering where you put something
When you put something away, make a deliberate effort to concen-trate on the particular place where you are putting it. Is there a reason why you are putting it in that particular place? You may find that saying out loud where you are putting something as you do it helps to fix it in your memory. Forming a connection between the object and the place where you are putting it also helps you to remember it later.
For example, when you park your car in a car park, concentrate on the position of the car in relation to a ticket machine or the exit. After you have walked away from the car, picturing it and its position in the car park will help to store the memory properly.
If you do forget where you put something, go back in your mind to when you last remember having it. What were you doing? Then think what you did next and where you were. Alternatively, think of all the places where you’re likely to have put it.
REMEMBERING NAMES
When you meet someone for the first time, pay close attention to their name. If it’s an unusual one, ask how it is spelt. As you talk to them, use their name – ‘Where do you live, Muriel?’. Repeating someone’s name in conversation is a friendly thing to do and, the more attention you pay to their name, the more likely it is to become fixed in your memory. When you say goodbye, say their name again.
If someone’s name is on the tip of your tongue, try going through the alphabet letter by letter. If possible, think back to where you first heard their name. This might help you remember but, if you still can’t recall their name, don’t be afraid to admit it. This is a very common problem!
