Understanding Sex

Introduction

Almost everybody has some kind of problem with sex. On the one hand, sex is a biological function, just as eating is. On the other it has the force to be truly life-changing.

Sex may be deeply fulfilling and wildly uplifting, but it also has the power to wreak the greatest psy­chological, emotional and physical damage. Sex may seal the be­ginning of a significant relationship, the conception of a much wanted – or much dreaded – pregnancy, or result in ‘punishment’ in the form of a sexual infection. The drive to seek sexual fulfilment is as natural as hunger for food, but it is often burdened with guilt, anxiety and ignorance.

The deeply personal nature of sex is at odds with the endless coverage in the media. One may have been brought up to be wary and inhibited about sex, yet the pressure to be a full sexual being is great in today’s more permissive society. Not only that; many more traditional cultures and religions have strict prohibitive rules about sex, and yet place great emphasis on marriageability and fertility – both central aspects of one’s sexual identity.

No wonder we place such great importance on sex, whether we see it primarily as an expression of intimacy or a means of pro­creation. No wonder we have such high expectations of sex, and of ourselves in sexual roles. And no wonder we may have difficult, unresolved feelings about sex, and find sexual problems so threatening.
It used to be thought that all sexual problems required lengthy, complicated forms of therapy. Now, however, it is known that many sexual difficulties are easy to treat, and often respond very well to simple exercises that can be done at home. Sex therapists find that most of their work is very reward­ing. More importantly, couples who have been struggling for some time are greatly relieved by the real im­provement they can experience, when they finally get help.

So where do people go for help? If you feel able to confide in your GP, he or she may be a useful source of information and support, and refer you on to psychosexual therapists if necessary. For a more confidential service, genitourinary medicine clinics (sexual health or special clinics) also sometimes run sexual difficulties clinics and would certainly be able to put you in touch with appropriate help.

For direct access to psycho­sexual counselling and treatment you may contact Relate. The Family Planning Association (UK) can also put you in touch with local help. In London, London Marriage Guidance runs sexual problems clinics. For problems with erections, there is a Sexual Dysfunction Association helpline. All the addresses and telephone numbers are given at the end of the book (see page 76). Specific addresses and helplines are also given for other specific problems.

This book hopes to provide some insight into why the common sex problems occur, and to give some indication as to the kind of therapy available, and how successful this may be. It is not meant to be a do-it-yourself form of treatment, although some couples may find it helpful to adapt some of the exercises described. Instead, the aim is to help couples get a better understanding of the physical and psychological causes of sexual difficulties, and to appreciate how often one leads to another, and a vicious cycle is begun. In this way, the emotional impact of such prob­lems may be eased and, armed with more information, the couple may be in a more articulate and therefore better position to seek help.

KEY POINTS

• It is natural to feel threatened by sexual problems

• Couples should seek help early

• Many GPs, sexual health doctors and relationship counsellors are used to talking about sex problems

• Use this book to understand the problem more, but seek professional help